Because I have lost so much that didn't need to be lost. Because surgeons follow stupid sets of rules about what needs to be done and how, instead of asking the patients what they want and what they can deal with and live with, so they waste a life that didn't need to be wasted. And because we had four years of a nasty oozing wound for no good reason. And a year of chemo, for no good reason, and obfuscation and mealy-mouthed euphemistic "palliative" "care", and referalls that didn't and long, long waits in waiting rooms with no amusement value whatsoever...
Because I have lost something infinitely precious to me, the qigong; because my stupid teacher wanted a class full of ladies who want to fuck him rather than a room full of good students who look after each other and appreciate the heritage, and because then I got self-conscious and lost the will to practice.. And because his teacher could not forgive something not my fault, and just made meanness and more meanness that I didn't deserve.
A waste of time and energy and this magical infinitely powerful stuff which was so good for me.
Because my house is a mess and full of crap that I don't like or want, but which seems too good to get rid of.
Because I can't find any damned thing when I put it down, and I spend so much time each day looking for lost things, a waste of my energy and time and frustration
Because the idiotic bad back is causing me so many knock-on problems - the drugs are not good for me, they put weight on me and are addictive (and I have had to chase the prescriptions so many times), the pain is disabling, the lack of mobility is disabling, the lack of flexibility and strength is disabling, the uncertainty is causing me despair..
And because the world is so obsessed with one medical thing, that I can't even discuss any of my problems with a doctor. Surely they aren't all out of the office?
Because I need to be competent and keep my business going and I run away from big orders and witter about...
And because the todo list gets longer and longer and I really can't prioritise.
And I'm angry, because pretty much all of this could be solved (not the idiot surgeon, that's too late) if only I just got on with everything..
So, time to catch my breath, kick the collective ass a little, tidy up, throw stuff away, finish all those stupid jobs, get the stocktaking properly under weigh, and stop crying.. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself...
After all, no-one else wants the job...
