Mostly

I've been managing, but some days I really think that there's just too much to do. The garden calls, but it's hard work, and by gum there's a lot in the "to burn" bags. And the house is full of stuff that needs putting away. And the newsletter. And the patterns stuff. And organising a holiday (now, that does seem like a good idea) in a couple of weeks time. And the Antiques Market (I do hope it doesn't rain, but I have arranged most of that)

And...

And...

And...

And I just want to go back to bed and sleep, and sleep, and sleep...

Rattle of Spring...

 Would be a Rustle, but that seems too quiet

I always knew when something was bothering you, because whatever-it-was would vanish from your conversation.. Lately, this seems to be everything, and I feel ever-so-slightly like I need to justify what I do...

It's not so dusty lately and the evening house glows nicely

in the pinkness of evening

I wish you could see...

Perhaps you can...

Snow Light

Lovely light at the end of the day

I was shovelling snow, to get out of the car park. Snow plough shut me in
I'm so grateful for my big beastie of a car in this

 

Cold, and a bit Lonely

Enough said...

 

Word For The Year...

... is Unblock

I have been finding it hard to get motivated, and some days, to get out of bed, and I fail at the least little catch-point, then find I have abandoned a good deal of work for the sake of getting finished. So, although this is not such a great image as last year's Renaissance , I think it may well be more useful

Image - full moon just about to breach the clouds, taken with my phone...

One Year Ago...

....today, I brought you home from the hospital after your last, futile surgery. The journey was frightful - I couldn't get the car close to the door of the hospital and there were no dropped pavements, so you had to walk that last bit to the car on unsteady legs and a walking frame.  And I was so relieved when we got indoors, and I got you to lie down and have something decent to eat and a nice cup of tea.. 

In your bed in the dining room, which was where you stayed. Yes, a few times we got you up and dressed and in front of the TV, and I did get you washed and sometimes got your hair washed and all those were so bloody hard to do. And you never got up again, not really.. I sat with you and watched you fade away, and we talked a little, and you read a little, and then all those things were gone too.. I found this image in my phone, sent from yours in November. I had a later one, but I can't find it..

And I think I am scared of losing the memories, and the security, and the pleasure of those things, and all and all..

I talk to you a lot, but you have got to be pretty poor at replying, although you have been, lately, in my dreams, which you almost never were when you were alive...

Oh, my love, I feel like I'm letting you down. I'm so tired, and lonely, and demotivated, and the house is a mess..

I did clean the bathroom, because that was always one of your jobs. Funny, though it doesn't get so grubby just from me washing there

ETA

Here it is

30th November, his last conscious day. We were mardling, and I took this with his phone and sent it to mine

Post-operative News

Well, I was all geared up and dressed and ready to go into my post-op appointment this lunchtime, and the phone rang.. 

Now, at the moment my phone is firmly off most of the time, and no-one who isn't known to me gets through...

And it was my lovely surgeon, who was stuck in traffic and, being efficient, was calling people who he was supposed to call later, to do "on the phone" consultations.. Not quite what I was expecting, but that's OK

And, as we are in agreement that things are improving steadily, and I am seriously happy with not having to go into a big hospital at the current emotionally-stressful time, all is good...

So, I burned another ceremonial fire of paper and brambles, and I'm slumped gently in front on the TV, and I'm soon to bed. Life, maybe, gets back to something I might regard as normal. I've packed some post, and I'll do some more tomorrow, perhaps I can catch up.. And the business will rearrange itself around me once more..

If you are reading this, please do not email me with comments, thanks