Self
To be honest, I've been a tad manic this last year. Way too much to do, tending to lose stuff, much too much to get round to and no end of organising and sorting and such. The Forth Bridge has nothing on the buckets on my stairs...
And, not enough Art, Creativity, Fun
So, Self
...that I have done something to offend you, or, more likely, that has made you offended, not my absolute intention. You ask a series of questions via an email I don't much use and which I don't see for a couple of days. When I do see these questions, I answer, as reasonably as I can, and send the answers.
And, you discuss me without this feedback, without telling me I'm being criticised, and without having the grace to tell me that you are having this discussion
Now, what do you expect my answer after all this to be?
Quite right
Quote "Bugger the lot of you"
So, all my volunteer work, my time, my effort, my writing and attending meetings at awkward times and my making samples and making displays and giving stuff for fundraising and all and all and all, is dismissed, because YOU got something rather badly wrong and have not the grace to apologise, or even say that you've heard from me. Hmmm
Bugger the lot of you
Bugger the lot of you
Bugger the lot of you
Bugger the lot of you
And the high horse you are sitting on
In no particular order, and to be added-to
It's OK to be sad, angry, despairing, disorganised, untidy, extravagant, frugal; to sleep late; to get up in the middle of the night and read; to garden all day and get really dirty; to sit in your armchair and snooze; to go out and party; to stay in and sulk...
Don't let anyone tell you how you are feeling. They really really don't know.
When they ask "how are you both?" my answer is usually "he's still dead" (John's answer at the end of his life was "Still dying" which has to be the best conversation-stopper ever...) - if you aren;'t sure "How are you?" is plenty...
It's your house now - shrine it up if you wish but don't feel obliged - I discussed the changes with John before he died, somewhat to his surprise. The big bedroom became my workroom within a couple of weeks, and the little office that was his is now my Post Room and was the first thing I remade. The little sewing room is a cosy bedroom and I'm happy there with the cat snoring next to me. The cupboards got turfed out and re-arranged, and all his odd foods went to the Food Bank or the compost. I sorted a lot of books and tools for sale and firmly disposed of all the scruffy clothes
Talk about him, don't let him slide into oblivion. He was lovely, and irritating, and selfish and selfless, and you miss him, so keep him in your speech and heart
Yes, doing all the bloody jobs is just dreadful, it was so nice to come in sometimes to clean dishes and a cooked supper. Having to take out All The Rubbish and Sharpen All The Knives sucks.. And knowing that if you don't hoover it or pick it up no-one else will also sucks
Do try to keep eating properly - I did well for a year, badly for the second year, then better again... The temptation to live on buns was tremendous but damaging
Talking to yourself is a good idea. Shouting at the walls occasionally, also a good idea, doing it all the time is hard on the voice
Get out and about. Even in full lockdown I went to the Post Office twice a week (I like to eat) and spoke to people in the supermarket and in cafes. Sanity was helped. Lack of physical contact was the hardest thing, but I really do not want a lover, however nice. Men my age want a housekeeper, or a Nurse With A Purse...
* and maybe for widowers too, how would I know?
Tidying, tidying, sorting, sorting.
Sewing room unearthed
...but I have been feeling stressed. I've spent all my Widow money, have had to let my cleaner go as I can't afford her (but she was turning a bit weird on me), and it's Winter, dark, cold, and rather soggy.. Season of Mulch, as they say...
And yesterday, as I was finishing my supper and about to light the fire and slump gently, I found a whole bunch of emails telling me that my eBay account was suspended because I had caused some kind of (unspecified) risk "to the eBay community" and also that every transaction for the last month, items I have bought, paid for, and received, was apparently cancelled... WTAF?
So, I mooch webwards; find advice; email eBay, get a standard response,: do it again and again and again. Give up, go to bed, lie awake fretting. As I don't ever sell on eBay and have good results from buying there (and absolutely everything stops with a supension) I was more than cross.. I set up another account, just in case.
Then this morning, with no reason given or apology offered, all is reinstated...
This is bullying. You just have to wonder why they can't just give a REASON so that at least I could admit or deny it...
Oh, I wish I didn't have to bother, but it is a useful source of Stuff
Back to the stocktaking, the sewing, and supper, which at least is worth eating...
And I got my Booster jab, my flu jab, finished a quilt top, hoovered the sewing room, perhaps it's not all bad.. Just need to stop grinding my teeth when I'm asleep...
...and no less delighted when I returned. It's one of the things I most valued about our life together - that you didn't assume I would vanish or misbehave if out of sight, and that you trusted me to know how to enjoy and manage and do things...
When I was asked, the first time, if I would like to go to an Instructors' weekend for the Wild Goose Qigong, you said "Shall I put some diesel in the van?"
Not "Oh, don't go" or "Oh, I don't trust you out of my sight" or "You can't do that with a strange man in your car" or any such. It makes me happy still that this was your first response..
I drove to Scotland to Dance and Gather, by myself, singing "I'm over 50., I can do as I like" all the way, and stayed 13 days. it was the furthest I had been on my own and the longest away in my entire adult life...
So, now I'm off to tour around England and Scotland and Wales on my own, in a borrowed wagon, with books and machines and tools and, I hope, with good people to visit and lots of nice places to see.. You will be with me, in spirit, and we will have a good time, I know it...
How come, when someone appears to be relatively civilised, adult, and cultured on the phone, they turn out to be a nasty, foul-mouthed, shouty ignorant, uncultured, stupid, bad-mannered four-year-old in person?
And, if promised a nice break with good food, travel, change of scenery, mutual conversation, and a bit of touristing, did I get a week of being treated like an idiot, contradicted, shouted-at, disparaged, my car criticised, told every 5 minutes I was stupid (now, you actually know I'm not stupid) and that everything I did was wrong, in my whole life?
So, I'm angry, and sad, and I feel that I was conned, but at least I'm not that unpleasant...
