An Interesting Concept

In theGuardian yesterday, not alone, or single, but self-partnered. I have been mulling this one gently, particularly as yesterday was a day of having-to-be-self-sufficient.  The washing machine decided to sulk. Now, I can't pull the damned thing out of its cubby-hole, so i had to think hard about what was wrong the last time it did this not-draining and little-sulky-beeps thing.
After some thought, and some mopping of floor, I remember (how could I forget?) that the local water has rocks in it and that these fur up the pipe. I also remember that I bought, recently, from Lidl, a bunch of long bendy "bottle brushes" - apply one to 'tother, and yippee! Machine runs again...

Said rocks.. I don't think the little memory disc helped with the blockage

And the brushes.. Almost as decorative as daffodils, and longer-lasting

One Fried Fish

Is Not Enough
To Fill The Pan

Needy

I don't want to be needy.* And I really don't want to be continually asking for help, even if I do need it. Can I get people to come and see me without? I'm not sure at the moment, and I'm really not sure how to change that. I'm tired, and flat, and my back is hurting.

Lizzie and I have a scheme, to be in bed each night for a couple of weeks with a book (preferably fiction) by 10 pm. I managed it last night, and she followed pretty soon after.  Tonight I may not make it that late...







I have been keeping myself busy. This week was a serious attempt at learning to live  alone, with mixed results. I have had far too many trips out, what with new glasses, difficult surgeons, and the Farmers Market. I bought the best spoon ever, possibly, and I've packed a lot of fabric
Meanwhile, the cat is notbusy to a degree. I finally removed her passengers, and she is snoring contentedly in her cardboard palace

And I've been making teeny blocks*It's bad enough that the washing machine, the microwave, and the cat all squeak continuously whenever they want my attention...

It makes you want to spit

8:30, I was still asleep, and the phone rang. Must be an emergency, or my hospital appointment being cancelled, so I leap up, find phone, answer - someone who wishes to buy a belt for a sewing machine. Aaargh!  She says "Oh, did I wake you up" I was a bit less than polite, and told her I could not deal with it at this time in the morning. So, I make a cup of tea, go back to bed. Half an hour later someone rings asking for "the kite-surfing shop in Norwich" I say, no this isn't it, go away. He rings back after 10 minutes "But you're on the internet as a kite surfing shop in Norwich" I say "bugger off, no way, not kite-surfing, not Norwich, which bit did you not get last time, etc.etc." again. At this point I really have to get up, so I go and look. Some impolite bastard has set up a Facebook page about Raindrop Kites, with all sorts of stuff including my phone number and the "fact" that I'm in Norwich. I edit the page, contact Facebook, get sent a code, take the page down. So far, only one out of four, but still better than naught.

Then I go for my appointment. One more, I pray lightly to the god of parking spaces, and drive straight into one at the Norfolk and Norwich. This is unlikely at best. And, for a few minutes, it stops raining.

So, eventually, I get a charming young registrar who agrees with me that what I need is surgery, nothing more can be done, he will discuss with the Big Cheese and come back to me. Another boring 20 minutes, I go back in, "Oh, no, you will get better by yourself, come back in four weeks..." And "It hasn't been 12 weeks" Well, I make it 16 weeks so far, but apparently they count differently in the N&N. I drive back in the rain, but there are lots of birds, and a bit of a rainbow..

As the man who came to look at my summerhouse for a woodburner is apparently sulking, I go to look at another local business in the same line. By gum, their prices are high, and by heck, the old codger in the shop was supercilious, unpleasant, and just plain horrible. I left. The showroom was lovely, shame they can't be bothered to fill the holes in the track and remove the dead and dying caravans from the yard.

And I get in to idiotic emails from Gumtree (my account was hacked, they have no way of removing it entirely  unless I log on, I can't log on because it has been hacked, and round and round and round we go.)  I got cross, and I told them what I thought. Mostly I thought that I would never buy or attempt to sell on Gumtree again. I have attempted to use this to sell, but every listing just attracted scammers, idiots, and fools.

And a whole 'nother set from the people who are supposed to pick up a coffin-sized box containing four toner cartridges (I have to send them back for remaking, used to get post labels, now this stupid box is what is offered). I can't get their idiot website to work, and so far they have emailed me in French,  German, and what looked like Chinese, with no result. I got cross with them several days ago, now threatening to leave the damned thing out in the rain  may have worked. I still don't have a clue as to whether they will pick up the box, though. I'm tempted to cut it down to a reasonable size.

And then, because I couldn't face the house, which is full of piles of Stuff, I went and sat in the summer-house with my fish-finger sandwich supper and my cup of tea. I did have to come indoors eventually

And I went up into the attic to sort stuff for orders, and found a box labelled "Featherweight parts" by you, and I opened it, and it was full of assorted junk, and I just had to cry. Why on earth did you not tell me you couldn't cope with this stuff. I feel so guilty and so bad about making you help, when you were not coping. How could you? How could you do this to me now, when I can't even say it to you and then make it right?

Oh, I'm sorry... Sleep well

It's Just So Wrong

It's Tuesday, and I'm making curry. That's the wrong day, for a start. Curry was always a weekend thing, with both of us cooking. I would make the curry, then leave it to your care, and eventually (for some reason it always seemed to take you a very long time) there would be rice for you, and vegetables for me, and raita and mango chutney for you, and, until we gave them up, poppadoms warm from the oven...

And I used your big knife, and the funny little oval chopping board you made for garlic. The smoked garlic we bought on the way back from that sad and helpful trip to Addenbrookes has gone hard, and I must throw it away. i don't seem to be cooking with garlic and herbs and such, so this is a nice change.  I shall freeze some - I can't bear the thought of eating curry lunch and evening for days and days. We used to eat four meals of it from the big pot, getting more and more delicious with each reheating...  I really must sharpen all the knives. That was always one of your jobs; although I can do it perfectly well, I don't seem to remember that it needs doing until they are dangerously blunt. Your big knife is sharp, still, as I don't use it much. Perhaps I should.

I remember, in France, being mean to you and making you go into the shop to buy that big cooking knife by yourself. Your French was never as fluent and easy as mine, so it was mean, but you did come out with a degree of triumph.. Oh, those lovely holidays in France, in the days when we both ate little fruit tarts and explored the supermarkets and the castles and the museums together.. Not forgetting the restaurants..

Mousse au Chocolat "a volonté" on the banks of a big lazy river

Getting to our room in Boulogne and opening the window to find we had a most extravagant view of the old walls, and then wandering through the old town, buying wine and eating nice meals and having a totally splendid time...

And the first year we were together, going to Paris in August. Hot, noisy, utterly magical.. Oh, my love, I wish we were there again, just for one hour, or one day.

Oh, there's so damned much to do, fire to lay, plants to water, dinners to cook, stuff to tidy and hoover and cobwebs and washing and I just folded all the t-shirtsbecause I keep wearing the same three round and round..

So, post, stuff to do, perhaps a little TV. I so wish I could share all this with you, my lovely man

Sleep well

Some days...

...are more constructive that others. Bought a new bike, collecting Monday after my new Pilates class; made an appointment for an eye test, did some sewing for samples, supper with Abi and Paul (accidental, but nonetheless most welcome) de-fleaed the cat, did the big pile of post, remembered to do all the shopping, and almost sorted a woodburner. This last will not happen unless the man gets back to me asap with a breakdown of the cost... Layered one quilt and blocked another, had long chat with Lizzie,
Oh, and I may have sorted the Responsive Code thing by researching, after two meetings with Paul which scared the hell out of me...
And this magnificent sky, as i was finishing sewing for the day

Sunrise was frosty

and misty, and a bit too early, but I have to be up for the meter-changing man

Who isn't here yet.

Had breakfast, emptied the bins, sorting my day, laid the fire, wood in, rubbish out, washing sorted..



Perhaps I'll brush my hair.. Are you there? I'm perfectly convinced you are not, but that's not important.

Yesterday

I went to the dump, so the dooryard is much more tidy, and then to Teapots, after a gentle lunch with HB and Sarah. On the way back to the workshop I saw the young buzzard fly up from the field and land in a tree right by the road, looking splendid indeed..
And I seem to have found some energy from somewhere, did lots of packing and sorting of orders last night
And I slept well, and woke in lovely sunlight
Now to breakfast, pack more post, and go out. Stuff to do!

Here's a sunrise, that you were around for, but couldn't get out of bed to see...
Sleep well

Well...

...that was a pretty hard day. Standing cutting fabrics is hard work and I'm tired already. I really need to get this whole business of responsive code (so that websites look good on tablets and phones as well as on regular screens) under my hat, and despite a lovely evening with Abi and Paul last night, and a jolly nice and suitable supper, I can't get my head round the new system, a Wordpress thing.. Macs don't seem to talk to this, and I was reduced to tears of anger and frustration by all this when I tried to make it work today.
I'm still pretty upset, and need a quiet evening with a fire, some code I understand, and rewriting a few patterns in front of a bit of non-consequential TV..

First, lamb burgers (with mint!) and veggies and perhaps some zero-carb noodles

Then a shower and a slump..

And, in the morning, to the dump, as the dooryard is filling up with crap...

Oh, my love, I wish I could ask you the questions.. I know you didn't know how to do this either, but we could have found out together..

Bless you, and sleep well

I love you
H

I miss...

... being able to tell you what has happened, odd sightings, birds, hares, shadows, this shop has closed and another opened, I saw X today and s/he asked after you.  It seems such a shame to leave you out of the interesting stuff that populates the days..

Today, I finally attacked the summer house - all the cardboard boxes  are sorted and put in the shed for using up - I really don't need quite so many, but they will run out. the sun was shining, and I sat in my lovely chair and ate my lunch with birds twittering and the cat complaining.. There's a man coming on Monday to see if I can get a wood-burner installed so I can use the space all year round, and this should take away the slightly damp air and mean I can make a space for dismantling machines - very important, as I don't want to drag machines up and down the stairs..

And the physio has finally got me back to the qigong, only a little so far, and indoors, and so no need to be self-conscious - what made that happen, do you suppose? And core strength. I was shocked to find out how little I have left...

Now, it's time for fire, and tv, and a bit of collating-of-orders, which always seems like more work than it actually is.. And a cup of tea. And one piece of chocolate, because I need to be a bit less, but not too much less.

I was recommended to "Well-being" services, but cannot see what I could draw from this. "Living with Diabetes"? I think I know how to do that. And CBT for low self-esteem.  Hmmm. I don't have that. What I do is good, I just want to be happier and not broken.

Oh, my lovely man, I wish I could talk to you...

Perhaps I can, here, even if you aren't listening. Bless you and sleep tight...